fighting ones self

for the record i miss my cordless keyboard... i need to see if i can get that hooked up again. anyway.

i've been sort of kicking this idea around in my head for quite some time. i do that. a lot. a whole hell of a lot. the majority of what gets into, shall we say, print has gone through some random form of screening to make it passable to the masses at large, in the regard that what comes from my brain usually isn't censored and 95% of the time reads like ESL on crack with a chaser of redbull. if you haven't spent a lot of time around me, chances are there are things that aren't going to make sense to you, and the way things meld and mesh together, from one idea to another won't make a single lick of sense...if that bothers you, thanks for playing, don't pass go, don't collect $200 and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out unless of course you are going to trip into a fountain and youtube that shit........then i'll pay attention.

all in all this might be one of the more controversial aspects and episodes to date.. for many reasons some of which i will not get into right now, if ever. there are things that slip and slither through my brain that need not be divulged to anyone, at anytime, at anyplace. there are some things that never have the "right time or place" and it's not something people realize with any degree of certainty. there really aren't any true absolutes in life, while its not a huge grey area there are some parts that are lighter then others, and on the flip side, darker then others. that being said we should probably get to the meat of this particular matter before i wind up on a different train in a different state, heading towards the wrong continent.

out there, in the vast wide world, there is someone for everyone. its a saying that goes on and on repeated at some point in time by everyone in the world. sometimes its said in condolance, but its usually heartfelt, even if its lined with pity and laced with just a hint of bitterness as you choke it down. yes, there is someone for everyone, but it all comes down to timing doesn't it? If there's traffic somewhere, you get stuck in it, supposed to be some place at a certain time and you miss it...what if that was your chance to meet that special someone? you don't know it, they didn't know it...and so life goes on... perhaps it will wind up like the movie "Just like Heaven" and you'll find them... but chances are it won't happen again. life will go on, you'll each either find someone else and live happily, not knowing why there's a small part of you that's always been unhappy...Or you'll live your life bitter and alone because no one feels right enough for you.

could be it was a wrong place at the wrong time situation, and you won't ever meet your "someone" in this lifetime because they are no longer walking upon this earth...perhaps cosmic strings got twisted and you wind up waiting for someone that turns out to be half your age...or you meet them... and things go horribly wrong... you say something off, you trip, spill things on them, having a bad day, are slightly peevish...and the opportunity was wasted..

could be that maybe, just maybe you've found that someone, you know who it is, you feel deep within you that it's right, it's good, but there's something holding you back... nothing that you could have prevented, nothing you could have seen...you find that special someone and ...they already have someone....married, committed...what have you.. and you are left being happy for them, because you would enjoy their happiness, but there would be a kernel there, doubt... jealousy... bitterness...something would be there that would make you wonder "what if"...


its like life is a big roulette wheel and you are the ball... around and around it goes where it stops no body knows...to what end is life? is love? where does it say you signed up for this sort of heartache and drama? where's that dotted line?

if the world's a stage and the play's the thing... i think perhaps i missed a scene or an act somewhere...


it certainly would explain the confusion

rock and a hard place

you know... there are times when yes i'll call myself a hypocrite because i am one at times. EVERYONE is at times, and if anyone tells you that they aren't they are lying their asses off to make themselves look better in someone's eyes be it their own or otherwise. i know people who have gone through great struggles, from cancer, to homelessness *been there myself because of my own poor choices*, to well a whole lot of stuff... and while i'm all for pointing out to people that your life isn't always the worst in the world, everyone likes to believe that theirs is in some point and time. it's inevitable, its just how the world works. There is no Mary Poppins in the real world, and if we found her i can promise you half the world would be trying to kill her out right and the OTHER half would be trying to hide her so they could either use her for their own ends or to kill her without witnesses.

you try to get yourself on get yourself going and for what? to be pushed back again. i am grateful i have a job don't misunderstand me, don't get me wrong. i hate it. i dispise it and about 60% of the people i work with 100% of the time. i know there are people who don't have a job, can't GET a job... so i should be thankful for what i have right?

well i am.... that being said i need something else....its no longer a matter of want something else, which is the feeling i had 2 weeks after i started this job, but a matter of need. i either need a second job, or a btter paying job period. i have bills i gotta get paid, bills thati have no way OF paying, mostly because my insurance is shit ass... i need to get my own place, and while im struggling to see how that would work with my credit, credit or no credit it won't work if i can't get some extra cash flow. i can't live on what im making... and yet people still constantly ask me to work my hours, to switch off with me, and while i feel bad saying no... i have to. i need too. i don't care if people like me at my job. i could really give a rats ass at the end of the day... its more of a point of fact that if i need something they could say no... like today.. ive had a headache all day.. for the past TWO days.. i had three people ask me if i could come in today.. i told him when he asked me that if i didn't get back to him by noon i probably wasn't coming in...because i had a headache and have been in and out of bed damn near all day with it. so then i get a phone call.. im slightly excited cause its not a number i know...so i figured...HEY! this could be one of the jobs i applied for....was it?

fuck
no.

it was one of my OTHER co workers *which im not sure who's number they were calling me FROM since i didn't recgonize it* asking me, for HIM if i was coming in tonight... so i told HER the same thing i told HIM and went back to bed... and then what happens not 3 hours later? the assistant manager *who i really do like, we get along great* asking me...so unfortunately i snapped at her... i later apologized for it and explained that i wasn't mad at her.. i was pissed off because she was the third person to ask me about something i said no on earlier..since she asked me AFTER the deadline i gave both of them to begin with

don't get me wrong. i like being reliable. i like knowing that if my manager needs someone to stay she asks me, if she needs someone she asks me first *if he was sick like he was ysterday i wuold have come in but he got another job and started today. so fuck that. h eprobably didn't tell our manager until it was too late* ive gotten more hours because ive shown im reliable...if you leave early and don't do the work you are supposed to do...you get your hours cut...so don't ask me for mine.

i need a new job, i need more options.......i'm probably not going to make it to my family wedding in october. i want to make it...but its not realistic...and if i tell my family i cant make it.. i'll get guilt tripped.. just like i felt when ic ouldn't spare money to help pay for a new crib for my sister's new baby....i just don't have the money. i'll get the "you've known about it for a while. you could have saved! you are making it to Tasha's wedding! What's so special about hers? why can you go there and not to this one?" (yes just Tasha's wedding although its her's and Kevs, they will focus on the female because, i'm a lesbian and apparently that's how my world works all the time)

because she doesn't guilt me. because she treats me like im a real person.because she's never made me feel like shit, like i don't deserve to live. she's been there for me, and will always be there for me. if i could legally be adopted, i'm sure her mom would do it for me...mostly cause she loves me and you know... it would help me live in Canada...but that aside? im IN her wedding...and i never have to worry about where i stand.. i know where i am, who i am...its something that people won't understand.

dreams

i'm sure that people can remember their dreams... in fact i know of a lot of people who do. and unless mine are really friggen insane (which for me you'd think isn't saying much but there's normal insane and really friggen insane) i hardly remember them. i'm more left with a feeling... bits and pieces that fade away into nothingness...and it's not always the strange-bad feeling ones that are like that. more often then not it's the happy ones, the ones where i wake up feeling content, feeling loved that i wake up, knowing who was in it...but not knowing what was going on...not knowing what happened...


you know those deja vu moments... i've touched on this before and i probably will again, but you get those moments when you know you've seen this happen before.. be it some strange occurance at your job, or someplace else... some place that's familiar but the actions aren't... and you have to wonder if its your imagination or if you really dreamt about it..


then there's the feeling of deja vu when you don't know where you are.. when you walk into a place, and you just feel like you've been there before... you feel like everything is going to be alright because you are there... and maybe you've glimpsed bits of it in pictures... maybe you've seen new floors that were put in, that someone was proud of so they had to show off..maybe you saw a new kitchen... or just new applicances... new hardware...etc...but you've not seen the full picture, the rest of the space is foriegn to you...and yet you feel as if you've always been there... there's a sense of peace, of purpose... of home.

i've been in a few places like that. a place that, once i walked in, everything just melted away...all the stress that you've been holding onto just melts away or takes a back seat for a time... i've been in places that, for a few hours, it feels like home, some places that you feel comfortable in, even if you merely just stepped foot into it...

those places that youknow the walls...the floors... you know how the house feels and breathes...and the people within it...

home.

A backdate

this was written this year, on/for valentines day. i just never got around to putting it HERE....


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Some people say they are in love with their best friend...and that means they are married or seeing them, engaged or whatever. They mean it in a romatic sense, a "normal" sense, and while there is nothing wrong with that concept, it can also be taken another way. Its almost a very American way of thinking, that you can either love only one person at a time, or one person forever. While that may be true for some people, for others it is not. Every emotion has various degrees of being. If you can imagine it, it's probably there. Some people might be in love with an idea, with THE idea of love.. others might be in love with something someone does...the way they do things, how they do things... you can love unconditionally, no matter the cost, and to be painfully honest, some people forget that. When you imagine your life with someone, or two someones,three someones.. be it as a family, or as a cohesive unit, a partnership that is frowned upon, and devilized no matter where you go, who is to say that you are wrong? Why is it so wrong to feel so at home somewhere that you'll do anything to get back there? So what if you are in love with your best friend(s)? Why is that so wrong? Love isn't about sex, it isn't about mating, or any of that, although it does play a part in that.. love is about safety. Security, and intimacy that goes beyond sex. Love is when you feel comfortable enough to just curl up with someone, on the couch, on the floor to watch TV... to play video games... to play on a computer, a laptop, reading together, seperate things, but still sitting together...or even just curled up in bed together because sleeping alone feels so strange. Its about safety, security, doing whatever you can for each other to make sure they are safe, happy and whole. You can love, or be in love with someone and never have a sexual feeling about them. In today's society, being "In Love" and "love" have become synonymous with sex, and that is just isn't the case. One one sees themselves in the future with someone...that doesn't mean they see themselves married, joined, what have you..they see the safety, the love and the security that person or persons brings...and no matter what outside forces come along...be it a significant other or sickness or something else...they will always have their Home to go to....in that regard.. i can say that i'm in love with my best friend.

Sometimes....

alright i know it's been...well forever. if you've followed this from the begining you know that i stated that i don't DO blogs on a normal basis. either i forget or i just don't want to...and when i go to do it i get distracted...and well that becomes the end of THAT particular activity...however that being said this is another disclaimer that i don't always keep up with blogs, virtual or otherwise...for those that are an avid follower of my work, my blogs, know that they rarely make any sense as a whole peice...things strike me so i put them down...if you are new to this, i won't apologize for it..just suck it up and go with it. it's how i roll.

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sometimes you just know things. a gut instinct, you don't have to be told, the knowing just either grows with awareness or it slaps you in the face...either way you are left going "OH! yes that's right!" and you go along your merry way as if nothing happened, just with a new found knowledge of whatever it was that struck you.


things change, that goes without saying. since the start of this blog, and the time of now, i've moved. again. from what i could have, still do, and will again, call my home, to another place, equally good for me, but still there's that factor that isn't there. it's not a slight against where i am, or who i am with, but the fact remains i'm not where i thought i would be. its an ever growing concept, change, you think you know where life is going and then suddenly, your over-hard-egg turns into an over-easy egg and yolk is going everywhere, with no way to stop it in sight.

there are things you know, and things you learn to know. memories that tickle your mind, memories that you shouldn't have, have had no way of actually having, and yet, that deja vu feeling is there, and you can't pinpoint -why- or how....it's just there, and you are left scrambling in it's wake, trying to piece the jumble together, trying to figure out the unfigurable...trying to put right what went wrong in your world.

everyone has their limits, be they percieved or otherwise, written in stone, or in sand, in permenate marker or a pencil...it's down it's there...people can go past their limits unknowingly and continue on, never knowing why things feel so brittle inside, never knowing why things look so dull and grey. some people just -stop- well below their limit, not wanting to take that risk and move upward for fear of crossing over that line, fear of ruining something, someone..themselves.

there isn't a happy medium, it's so hard to strive for it...that many don't even bother. i feel sometimes that the world is just full of those who stop...and just a handful go over their limits...the rest just move on by not caring how things go or how they are seen by the world...not caring if the world sees them.


invisible or right in your face....those almost seem to be the only two choices in life...and yet...there has to be another way. a better way....we just have to find it.

Familiar Taste of Poison

Drink the wine, my darling, you said
Take your time, and consume all of it
But the roses were only to drain my inspiration
The promises were spoiled before they left your lips and?

(CHORUS)
I breathe you in again just to feel you
Underneath my skin, holding on to
The sweet escape is always laced with a familiar taste of poison

(VERSE 2)
I tell myself that you're no good for me
I wish you well, but desire never leaves
I could fight this 'til the end
But maybe I don't want to win

(CHORUS)

(BRIDGE)
I don't wanna be saved, I don't wanna be sober
I want you on my mind, in my dreams behind these eyes
And I won't wake up, no not this time

(CHORUS)

A familiar taste of poison
-Halestorm

_____


it seems, that the minute i stop trying... once i get myself into a place where i am happy...and i stop fighting that...when i just let myself -be-... the Fates step in and deal me a blow so harsh, it leaves me raw and open, bleeding and oozing, numb....

a Home..a threshold... something i hadn't had in such a long time... and its threatening to leave...security...most people take that for granted...i know i used too, but lately it's been a precious commodity i keep telling myself that the bad won't happen...for the first time in a long time i am pushing for the optimistic point of view... i am pushing hoping and praying that this week i will get a call, an email.. i will get something to help me stay here... because finances have gone, the Fates have dealt both her and i a blow, and together we can make it through, all three of us, but seperate....someone will suffer.

i don't know why it amazes me, words, phrases..but they do... the stress of the last two days... things mounting, hormones (i think they played a -tiny- part for both of us... all of this... words had been said, 'you can visit' 'i want you here for the baby'...but what hadn't been said until last night after what was one of the worst moments of my life....what hadn't been said until that point.. 'i don't want you to go'...

i knew it.. deep down i knew that... while i might have doubts of my usefulness, of my being... while i might wonder if i am any good for you, all three of you (babyincluded!) when i get into my low phases... i know you care.. i know that..but that hadn't been said..and now that it has, i still feel like crying...but not for the same reasons (well not all of them)...and i am more determined to make this work..somehow this is going to work... i will not have my home torn from me again...

i don't care how used i am to tasting that poison... i want the antidote....

is it a matter of changing a point of view? switching the way you think about things, how you approach things? when things that you should understand, have understood in the past....things that brought you joy, that were, for you, at the most peaceful, at the least calm, drive you to such a state of aggitation, cause your mind to run so far, so fast that everything seems to slip away as you attempt to hold onto it? you go from being soothed, being more or less a one man show, to suddenly feeling like your body is on fire, every touch, your hair touching your neck, your forhead, your shirt sleeves rubbing against your arm when you move, your pants sliding along your flesh...every single movement is a screaming torture, and nothing you do brings it down, every move you make to try to bring yourself down drives it higher and higher, causes more friction against your skin, until you simply have to break down into tears or risk screaming. You try to let it be, ignore it when you start to feel it, when it creeps along the edges of your mind, trying to ignore it stalking along for you... so many ways for it to be expressed, but there's no way for it to get through...nothing good can come from it, not in the state that it manifests, and its there...you ignore, you supress until you simply don't care...you fight the feeling, you try to find ways to justify it, try to find other outlets, until something that once brought you fulfilment and joy is something you dread...when the thought of it, when, along with the thrill, the initial response your body gives also brings a feeling of desperation, and something that feels akin to desperation.

how do you put those pieces back? are they even broken if the only thing you have to do is rearrange your point of view? what if all you have to do is kiss the past goodbye and hope the future doesn't blow your mind? when you have someone willing to help you put the pieces back....when you have that security, when you trust someone to catch you when you fall...when you let someone in...against all prior acts of trust before... how can you be sure it won't swing around and take your feet out from under you? You don't... nothing is 100% sunshine and roses, and the more you think that it is, the harder your fall will be. There is always a darker shade of grey, but that is how life works...you cannot be in denial, beliving in Fairy Tale endings...are there happy endings? Most certainly...but Fairy Tale endings don't exist.

You can tear yourself apart, hating yourself for emotions that are perfectly natural....jealousy, while in large doses can be unhealthy...it's something we all deal with in some form or another, be it in jest or in truth...the point of it, is how you deal with it, what you do with it...hating yourself for feeling that emotion, will only cause more grief...at the very least. what you have to ask yourself is if this is something you want to go on forever, round and round? is it something worth discussing, is it something that you need to bring up, and air out? while being honest, is something that should be done...sometimes things shouldn't be said...