is it a matter of changing a point of view? switching the way you think about things, how you approach things? when things that you should understand, have understood in the past....things that brought you joy, that were, for you, at the most peaceful, at the least calm, drive you to such a state of aggitation, cause your mind to run so far, so fast that everything seems to slip away as you attempt to hold onto it? you go from being soothed, being more or less a one man show, to suddenly feeling like your body is on fire, every touch, your hair touching your neck, your forhead, your shirt sleeves rubbing against your arm when you move, your pants sliding along your flesh...every single movement is a screaming torture, and nothing you do brings it down, every move you make to try to bring yourself down drives it higher and higher, causes more friction against your skin, until you simply have to break down into tears or risk screaming. You try to let it be, ignore it when you start to feel it, when it creeps along the edges of your mind, trying to ignore it stalking along for you... so many ways for it to be expressed, but there's no way for it to get through...nothing good can come from it, not in the state that it manifests, and its there...you ignore, you supress until you simply don't care...you fight the feeling, you try to find ways to justify it, try to find other outlets, until something that once brought you fulfilment and joy is something you dread...when the thought of it, when, along with the thrill, the initial response your body gives also brings a feeling of desperation, and something that feels akin to desperation.

how do you put those pieces back? are they even broken if the only thing you have to do is rearrange your point of view? what if all you have to do is kiss the past goodbye and hope the future doesn't blow your mind? when you have someone willing to help you put the pieces back....when you have that security, when you trust someone to catch you when you fall...when you let someone in...against all prior acts of trust before... how can you be sure it won't swing around and take your feet out from under you? You don't... nothing is 100% sunshine and roses, and the more you think that it is, the harder your fall will be. There is always a darker shade of grey, but that is how life works...you cannot be in denial, beliving in Fairy Tale endings...are there happy endings? Most certainly...but Fairy Tale endings don't exist.

You can tear yourself apart, hating yourself for emotions that are perfectly natural....jealousy, while in large doses can be unhealthy...it's something we all deal with in some form or another, be it in jest or in truth...the point of it, is how you deal with it, what you do with it...hating yourself for feeling that emotion, will only cause more grief...at the very least. what you have to ask yourself is if this is something you want to go on forever, round and round? is it something worth discussing, is it something that you need to bring up, and air out? while being honest, is something that should be done...sometimes things shouldn't be said...

eggshells

So you know... im sure everyone does it at least at some point in their life...walking on eggshells.

"A good friend said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." " (so totally snatched this from Dev!) and while yes..this is true...i will totally admit to that, i have this habit of not speaking up, because i dislike confrontation....not saying i don't enjoy a good argument somtimes, just for the sake of arguing (i have anger issues), but i hate anger directed at me.. not for arguments sake, but anger born of hurt... i can't tolerate it, and it makes my throat burn just thinking about it.

So there's an honesty policy...i can live with that...even if i forget sometimes, err on the side of not wanting to hurt someone, so i don't always speak up.. and because its habit to not say what's bothering you, because you don't wish to be complaining... or not to say what's on your mind, because you are afraid you will seem silly, or that you will seem overly needy or just down right wanton...

when you have been so easily misunderstood before....especially when your brain moves faster than you are able to keep up with verbally, when you get so frustrated with that, that you suddenly become ESL when the only language you know fluently IS English.....it makes it so hard to voice the deeper things...even when you really truly want too....

Dreams

if dreams are what you make of them, what our subconcious mind doth make, then what pray tell is in our minds when we fall and break? in our dreams, invincible we be, until the morning comes, and when that time shines down upon us, we weep for what we lost

giving this a go.....

ive had people on other sites, ask me if i was going to start a blog again, mostly for my writing.... i DO have a LJ but i rarely go into that if at all anymore....so i guess this is it.....

thanks to my lovely melissa for the idea