rock and a hard place

you know... there are times when yes i'll call myself a hypocrite because i am one at times. EVERYONE is at times, and if anyone tells you that they aren't they are lying their asses off to make themselves look better in someone's eyes be it their own or otherwise. i know people who have gone through great struggles, from cancer, to homelessness *been there myself because of my own poor choices*, to well a whole lot of stuff... and while i'm all for pointing out to people that your life isn't always the worst in the world, everyone likes to believe that theirs is in some point and time. it's inevitable, its just how the world works. There is no Mary Poppins in the real world, and if we found her i can promise you half the world would be trying to kill her out right and the OTHER half would be trying to hide her so they could either use her for their own ends or to kill her without witnesses.

you try to get yourself on get yourself going and for what? to be pushed back again. i am grateful i have a job don't misunderstand me, don't get me wrong. i hate it. i dispise it and about 60% of the people i work with 100% of the time. i know there are people who don't have a job, can't GET a job... so i should be thankful for what i have right?

well i am.... that being said i need something else....its no longer a matter of want something else, which is the feeling i had 2 weeks after i started this job, but a matter of need. i either need a second job, or a btter paying job period. i have bills i gotta get paid, bills thati have no way OF paying, mostly because my insurance is shit ass... i need to get my own place, and while im struggling to see how that would work with my credit, credit or no credit it won't work if i can't get some extra cash flow. i can't live on what im making... and yet people still constantly ask me to work my hours, to switch off with me, and while i feel bad saying no... i have to. i need too. i don't care if people like me at my job. i could really give a rats ass at the end of the day... its more of a point of fact that if i need something they could say no... like today.. ive had a headache all day.. for the past TWO days.. i had three people ask me if i could come in today.. i told him when he asked me that if i didn't get back to him by noon i probably wasn't coming in...because i had a headache and have been in and out of bed damn near all day with it. so then i get a phone call.. im slightly excited cause its not a number i know...so i figured...HEY! this could be one of the jobs i applied for....was it?

fuck
no.

it was one of my OTHER co workers *which im not sure who's number they were calling me FROM since i didn't recgonize it* asking me, for HIM if i was coming in tonight... so i told HER the same thing i told HIM and went back to bed... and then what happens not 3 hours later? the assistant manager *who i really do like, we get along great* asking me...so unfortunately i snapped at her... i later apologized for it and explained that i wasn't mad at her.. i was pissed off because she was the third person to ask me about something i said no on earlier..since she asked me AFTER the deadline i gave both of them to begin with

don't get me wrong. i like being reliable. i like knowing that if my manager needs someone to stay she asks me, if she needs someone she asks me first *if he was sick like he was ysterday i wuold have come in but he got another job and started today. so fuck that. h eprobably didn't tell our manager until it was too late* ive gotten more hours because ive shown im reliable...if you leave early and don't do the work you are supposed to do...you get your hours cut...so don't ask me for mine.

i need a new job, i need more options.......i'm probably not going to make it to my family wedding in october. i want to make it...but its not realistic...and if i tell my family i cant make it.. i'll get guilt tripped.. just like i felt when ic ouldn't spare money to help pay for a new crib for my sister's new baby....i just don't have the money. i'll get the "you've known about it for a while. you could have saved! you are making it to Tasha's wedding! What's so special about hers? why can you go there and not to this one?" (yes just Tasha's wedding although its her's and Kevs, they will focus on the female because, i'm a lesbian and apparently that's how my world works all the time)

because she doesn't guilt me. because she treats me like im a real person.because she's never made me feel like shit, like i don't deserve to live. she's been there for me, and will always be there for me. if i could legally be adopted, i'm sure her mom would do it for me...mostly cause she loves me and you know... it would help me live in Canada...but that aside? im IN her wedding...and i never have to worry about where i stand.. i know where i am, who i am...its something that people won't understand.