fighting ones self

for the record i miss my cordless keyboard... i need to see if i can get that hooked up again. anyway.

i've been sort of kicking this idea around in my head for quite some time. i do that. a lot. a whole hell of a lot. the majority of what gets into, shall we say, print has gone through some random form of screening to make it passable to the masses at large, in the regard that what comes from my brain usually isn't censored and 95% of the time reads like ESL on crack with a chaser of redbull. if you haven't spent a lot of time around me, chances are there are things that aren't going to make sense to you, and the way things meld and mesh together, from one idea to another won't make a single lick of sense...if that bothers you, thanks for playing, don't pass go, don't collect $200 and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out unless of course you are going to trip into a fountain and youtube that shit........then i'll pay attention.

all in all this might be one of the more controversial aspects and episodes to date.. for many reasons some of which i will not get into right now, if ever. there are things that slip and slither through my brain that need not be divulged to anyone, at anytime, at anyplace. there are some things that never have the "right time or place" and it's not something people realize with any degree of certainty. there really aren't any true absolutes in life, while its not a huge grey area there are some parts that are lighter then others, and on the flip side, darker then others. that being said we should probably get to the meat of this particular matter before i wind up on a different train in a different state, heading towards the wrong continent.

out there, in the vast wide world, there is someone for everyone. its a saying that goes on and on repeated at some point in time by everyone in the world. sometimes its said in condolance, but its usually heartfelt, even if its lined with pity and laced with just a hint of bitterness as you choke it down. yes, there is someone for everyone, but it all comes down to timing doesn't it? If there's traffic somewhere, you get stuck in it, supposed to be some place at a certain time and you miss it...what if that was your chance to meet that special someone? you don't know it, they didn't know it...and so life goes on... perhaps it will wind up like the movie "Just like Heaven" and you'll find them... but chances are it won't happen again. life will go on, you'll each either find someone else and live happily, not knowing why there's a small part of you that's always been unhappy...Or you'll live your life bitter and alone because no one feels right enough for you.

could be it was a wrong place at the wrong time situation, and you won't ever meet your "someone" in this lifetime because they are no longer walking upon this earth...perhaps cosmic strings got twisted and you wind up waiting for someone that turns out to be half your age...or you meet them... and things go horribly wrong... you say something off, you trip, spill things on them, having a bad day, are slightly peevish...and the opportunity was wasted..

could be that maybe, just maybe you've found that someone, you know who it is, you feel deep within you that it's right, it's good, but there's something holding you back... nothing that you could have prevented, nothing you could have seen...you find that special someone and ...they already have someone....married, committed...what have you.. and you are left being happy for them, because you would enjoy their happiness, but there would be a kernel there, doubt... jealousy... bitterness...something would be there that would make you wonder "what if"...


its like life is a big roulette wheel and you are the ball... around and around it goes where it stops no body knows...to what end is life? is love? where does it say you signed up for this sort of heartache and drama? where's that dotted line?

if the world's a stage and the play's the thing... i think perhaps i missed a scene or an act somewhere...


it certainly would explain the confusion